So, I read this article recently about five things you believe if you were sexually abused. The points are clear, and yes, they were thoughts that I have definitely had, but I feel like there are ways to change those thoughts and make them more positive. I thought I would share my ideas with you, and if anyone else had any other ways that they may have mostly eliminated these thoughts.
1) You could have done more to stop it.
This one is a tough one because of the very nature of sexual abuse. Some survivors are threatened, or their family members are threatened so that the secret will be kept. For me, it was framed as a punishment, and punishments were final. You aren't supposed to enjoy being punished, and it's supposed to teach you a lesson (the joke is on him, my room is still a mess). That doesn't mean I didn't have thoughts of trying to live with my Dad in California instead. That doesn't mean that I couldn't have told my Mom that I was uncomfortable with said punishment, revealing it for what it was. At least in cases of child abuse, the cards are sort of stacked against us. Our abusers are usually someone that we love, or trust, someone we see as an authority figure, someone we can't disobey. And the truth of the matter is, there was nothing we could do to stop it. Honestly. Threats to ourselves and our family members are frightening, and taken seriously, no matter what age we are. We can't reasonably expect a kid to come forward if they are being threatened, so why are you beating yourself up for doing the same thing? I wouldn't expect my kids to disobey punishments or authority figures, so why should I be upset with myself for doing what I was told? Yes, it was used against me, but that's not my fault, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it.
So when you find yourself thinking this, maybe instead you should think of where you are now. The next time your brain decides to tell you that you could have done more, tell yourself that you are out of it now, and your life is so much better now that you are safe. Remind yourself that you were younger then but stronger now. Tell yourself that you are brave, because you are (I mean that. Whether you have told somebody or not, anyone who lives through this ordeal is a brave individual. Take pride in your bravery.) And understand that the very real possibility is that there was nothing you could do, and that's okay. It's really okay.
2) Your body is damaged.
Okay, I completely understand this. Damaged goods, am I right? Sometimes I fell like once I've told someone, that I somehow break in their eyes. I worry that people will pity me, or treat me with kid gloves. All I want is to feel normal again.
This thought takes some effort to get rid of. I remember that my self-esteem had dropped so low at one point that I literally ended the night crying on my bed wondering why I hated myself so much. I still work at this thought, and I think that I will continue to work at it for quite some time. First, I put some words up on my wall right next to my bed, so I could see them all the time. In the middle was a notecard that said "you are..." and surrounding that were other cards with words like kind, beautiful, brave, talented, and wonderful. Seeing those every day helped me to believe it. The other thing, that I am still working on, is making myself look good on the outside. I am 22, and just started wearing makeup on a regular basis. I am also slowly working on phasing out the juvenile t-shirts and focusing on a more adult wardrobe. I have learned that if I can feel good about myself on the inside, I can reflect that on the outside. That works in reverse too. If I think I look good, I feel better about myself. Pick out something that is on point about how you look and compliment yourself. this is all about raising your self-esteem, and realizing that you are not, in any way, shape or form, damaged goods.
3) What you went through wasn't that bad.
Can we please stop thoughts like these? I am so sick of people comparing what they went through to what another person went through.
Guess what? Nobody's life is perfect. Everyone deals with some sort of life altering thing in their life. It's our job as human beings to support one another through the tough times. So the next time you are helping a friend who is suffering from illness, or hear about some horrific car accident or a terrible tragedy like a shooting, don't compare your trauma. It's not the same, and in the end, we all have to overcome it anyway. My sister has a nice analogy. Everyone has their crap (I'm censoring it a bit). We shouldn't compare each other's crap, because in the end, it's all the same. A big, steaming pile of crap.
4) You should be over it.
It doesn't matter what the trauma is, I don't think anyone ever gets over it. One never completely gets over the pain of losing a loved one. We always have that ache in our hearts for said person to still be around. Soldiers come home all the time with PTSD, reliving the trauma from their tours. We don't expect those people to just get over it, so why should you be expected to? I think I have realized that I will never be completely over this. My bedroom door will always have a lock on it, I'll have weird nightmares in November, and I'll never move to Connecticut. These are facts of my new reality, and I've come to accept them. Some days are easier for me than others. Bad days usually have me grumpy and less talkative, and I'm more likely to retreat to my room and binge watch something on Netflix. But tomorrow will be a better day. Just take it one day at a time, focus on you, and understand that with time, it gets easier.
5) You deserved it.
You really don't need me to tell you what a pile of crap this is, right? This is probably one of the hardest thoughts to get out of your head, and I feel like it's the most damaging. What did I do to deserve this? I didn't clean my room? Seriously? No one deserves this. I say all the time that I wouldn't wish this trauma on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is my abuser.
My advice to you is to really pay attention to your thoughts, and look out for this one. When you hear yourself think it, shake it off. Tell yourself that of course you didn't deserve this. Say three things about yourself that are wonderful instead. Eventually you may find yourself catching the thought and rolling your eyes, telling yourself that "yeah, yeah, I guess I didn't deserve it." Someday, you may stop thinking it all together. And when you catch it enough, when you dismiss it for the ridiculous thought it is, you will one day realize that you know in your head and in your heart that this was never your fault.
