I read this article this week that made me really hope for my future. It was probably the first positive thing about relationships after sexual abuse that I have ever read. I'm not going to lie, relationships scare me. Which isn't fair. I didn't choose to be abused, and I shouldn't have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes it seems like I am being punished, when I am not who should be punished.
And this man, this wonderful man, was there for his wife every step of the way. From her confession through the crisis stage of her healing, and through to the end. He supported her and her feelings, never pressing her, just listening and offering support. He gave her space when she needed it, and stayed attentive.
This is what I hope to find someday. I didn't really think about dating when I started this page. I posted a video outing myself and plastered it all over my Facebook. Through donations (thanks to anyone who has donated, by the way!) I have also boosted that post, sending it all across the country. Anyone that I potentially date will have the opportunity to see that post, and they will know all of my baggage. And that is scary. It's always a conversation I imagined myself having on a quiet night in, when I could look him in the eye and talk about it face to face. He could ask questions, and I would do my best to stay calm, and hope and pray it didn't scare him off. Now, I could potentially scare him off before we ever get to that point. This article gives me hope. I hope that I will find a man like Grant, one who will listen to me when I need him to, give me space if I need it, and understand my concerns.
I would love to hear other thoughts about this. If anyone has stories about their partners helping them through a crisis like Liz's, or stories of unconditional support. They give me hope, and hopefully they give other survivors hope as well.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Anecdotes of a Girl
This article was sent to me by a person in my church, one who heard my sermon and thought it would help someone. I found myself relating to it a lot, and thought I would post something about it here, as well as on the actual Facebook page.
The author tells her own story, about her father, and about growing up. She talks about all the ways she just wanted to escape, from Peter Pan taking her away, turning to her faith to guide her, and even wanted to develop other personalities, stronger personalities so that she could escape the hell her father was putting her through. Despite all of this, she loved her father, and when she asked for him to stop the abuse, he guilted her, by treating her badly. When she told her mother two years later, he was arrested, but she still felt guilty and embarrassed.
So much of this spoke to me personally. I loved my step-father, I called him Dad. And yes, my actual Dad had been a part of my life, but I felt lucky because I had two. One near me and one far away. And even in the midst of my abuse, I craved that normalcy, that relationship.
He framed my abuse as a punishment. He also made me promise that I would let him do it whenever he wanted. The one time I refused, he left my room, and stood ominously in the doorway, telling me "I guess you don't keep your promises." I felt so guilty, I cried as I kept myself in my bed, because who was I to break a promise? I wanted to go flying through my door, apologizing and begging him to come back. I have always hated disappointing people, and he played right into that. I didn't chase after him that night, but I never refused again. This makes me feel for the author. "He nodded his head slowly and said that he understood and he was sorry, he would never do things to me again, but that of course our relationship would change and he couldn’t be that nice to me anymore. He said he would have to treat me like shit because I obviously didn’t love him and that I better not say anything to my mother." Same guilt trip, used only to manipulate her into doing what he wanted. She was strong enough to continue refusing even through all his mistreatment of her. I gave in to the manipulation.
Her description of telling her mother is what really spoke to me. I know the look she described. It's a look I saw on my own mother's face, one that still brings tears to my eyes. Her description of telling is something I also relate to. I had stopped praying to God, God hadn't helped me. But the night before, days after my Grandfather had died, I asked him for help instead. When I told my Mom the next day, I felt this surge of strength directly before, starting in my toes and working it's way up through my body to my head. My mouth sort of fell open and my voice was talking and the words just sort of fell out. After they did, the strength was gone. Telling my mother is one strength I have never been able to take full credit for. To me, it's all the stuff afterward that took courage. All the work I did on myself, all the talking, the coming forward, that is what I have done. Telling my Mom was all Grampy, and I am so happy he helped me.
I would love to hear more of your thoughts. What do other people think? Did you relate to this like I did, or not? Let me know in the comments.
The author tells her own story, about her father, and about growing up. She talks about all the ways she just wanted to escape, from Peter Pan taking her away, turning to her faith to guide her, and even wanted to develop other personalities, stronger personalities so that she could escape the hell her father was putting her through. Despite all of this, she loved her father, and when she asked for him to stop the abuse, he guilted her, by treating her badly. When she told her mother two years later, he was arrested, but she still felt guilty and embarrassed.
So much of this spoke to me personally. I loved my step-father, I called him Dad. And yes, my actual Dad had been a part of my life, but I felt lucky because I had two. One near me and one far away. And even in the midst of my abuse, I craved that normalcy, that relationship.
He framed my abuse as a punishment. He also made me promise that I would let him do it whenever he wanted. The one time I refused, he left my room, and stood ominously in the doorway, telling me "I guess you don't keep your promises." I felt so guilty, I cried as I kept myself in my bed, because who was I to break a promise? I wanted to go flying through my door, apologizing and begging him to come back. I have always hated disappointing people, and he played right into that. I didn't chase after him that night, but I never refused again. This makes me feel for the author. "He nodded his head slowly and said that he understood and he was sorry, he would never do things to me again, but that of course our relationship would change and he couldn’t be that nice to me anymore. He said he would have to treat me like shit because I obviously didn’t love him and that I better not say anything to my mother." Same guilt trip, used only to manipulate her into doing what he wanted. She was strong enough to continue refusing even through all his mistreatment of her. I gave in to the manipulation.
Her description of telling her mother is what really spoke to me. I know the look she described. It's a look I saw on my own mother's face, one that still brings tears to my eyes. Her description of telling is something I also relate to. I had stopped praying to God, God hadn't helped me. But the night before, days after my Grandfather had died, I asked him for help instead. When I told my Mom the next day, I felt this surge of strength directly before, starting in my toes and working it's way up through my body to my head. My mouth sort of fell open and my voice was talking and the words just sort of fell out. After they did, the strength was gone. Telling my mother is one strength I have never been able to take full credit for. To me, it's all the stuff afterward that took courage. All the work I did on myself, all the talking, the coming forward, that is what I have done. Telling my Mom was all Grampy, and I am so happy he helped me.
I would love to hear more of your thoughts. What do other people think? Did you relate to this like I did, or not? Let me know in the comments.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
The Hunting Ground
A documentary opened this weekend that sheds a light on sexual assault on college campuses. These stories are some of the most disturbing stories of assault I have heard. Many times I hear of fraternities and athletes taking part in a gruesome sexual assault, complete with alcohol and sometimes drugs. Yes, those are things that are on a college campus. But we need to make sure that people are aware that when someone is drunk, they can not legally consent, and that using the "She/he was really drunk" defense is wrong and despicable.
A lot of people think that these reports are false, that someone just regretted what had happened the next morning and pointed fingers. But that happens so few times. It is estimated that for every 1,000 women attending a college or university, there are 35 incidents of rape each academic year. I personally think it would be an interesting documentary to watch. What do you all think? Let me know!
A lot of people think that these reports are false, that someone just regretted what had happened the next morning and pointed fingers. But that happens so few times. It is estimated that for every 1,000 women attending a college or university, there are 35 incidents of rape each academic year. I personally think it would be an interesting documentary to watch. What do you all think? Let me know!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I want to change the world
It
seems daunting. And I don't think I realized exactly how daunting until
two days ago. I stood in front of my entire congregation and told them my story,
and it was truly scary, but so much more rewarding than I could have imagined.
So, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Jenna, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse. My step-father was my abuser, and he worked really hard to manipulate me. He framed it as a punishment, and also made me promise to let him do what he wanted so that either way, I would feel like my abuse was all my fault.
My Mom was incredibly supportive. She, my brother, and I packed our essentials and moved across state lines, escaping the situation. Now, I was conflicted. Part of me felt like I was just another statistic. I didn't know the statistics then like I know them now, but I felt like I was just another random person facing a tragedy. I also felt completely alone due to the silence that surrounds crimes like these. I talked with a few of my closer friends about it, but let's be honest, I was moving to a different state, and I didn't know anyone, and it's not usually something you tell to people you just met.
A week after I told my Mom, my step-father took his own life, meaning that my family and I did not get the justice that we so badly wanted. On top of that, he had a daughter, a girl that I shared a room with for five years of my life, that I was terrified I would never see again. (spoiler alert, I saw her again today, she's doing pretty great!) So now, on top of all those conflicting feelings, I felt like my family was falling apart, and I just wanted to take it all back.
I'm so glad I didn't. Not like anyone would have believed me if I suddenly said, "Nevermind, nothing happened, I made it up." But I have come to understand that as difficult as all of that was, I am so much better off now. I know that should go without saying, but before I came forward, I didn't know what to expect.
So, changing the world. I want to see if more people will come forward with stories. I want to have a ton of stories for fellow survivors to read, so that they don't feel as alone as I once did. I also hope that some fourteen year old girl will stumble across this blog and find that if all of us can come forward, then so can she, and she will get herself out of that very dangerous situation by using whatever means necessary. I truly believe that by survivors speaking up, we can save lives. So, if you are with me, I'd love for you to join me on this journey.
So, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Jenna, and I am a survivor of sexual abuse. My step-father was my abuser, and he worked really hard to manipulate me. He framed it as a punishment, and also made me promise to let him do what he wanted so that either way, I would feel like my abuse was all my fault.
My Mom was incredibly supportive. She, my brother, and I packed our essentials and moved across state lines, escaping the situation. Now, I was conflicted. Part of me felt like I was just another statistic. I didn't know the statistics then like I know them now, but I felt like I was just another random person facing a tragedy. I also felt completely alone due to the silence that surrounds crimes like these. I talked with a few of my closer friends about it, but let's be honest, I was moving to a different state, and I didn't know anyone, and it's not usually something you tell to people you just met.
A week after I told my Mom, my step-father took his own life, meaning that my family and I did not get the justice that we so badly wanted. On top of that, he had a daughter, a girl that I shared a room with for five years of my life, that I was terrified I would never see again. (spoiler alert, I saw her again today, she's doing pretty great!) So now, on top of all those conflicting feelings, I felt like my family was falling apart, and I just wanted to take it all back.
I'm so glad I didn't. Not like anyone would have believed me if I suddenly said, "Nevermind, nothing happened, I made it up." But I have come to understand that as difficult as all of that was, I am so much better off now. I know that should go without saying, but before I came forward, I didn't know what to expect.
So, changing the world. I want to see if more people will come forward with stories. I want to have a ton of stories for fellow survivors to read, so that they don't feel as alone as I once did. I also hope that some fourteen year old girl will stumble across this blog and find that if all of us can come forward, then so can she, and she will get herself out of that very dangerous situation by using whatever means necessary. I truly believe that by survivors speaking up, we can save lives. So, if you are with me, I'd love for you to join me on this journey.
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