Coping

Some of you may be wondering why I have shared this picture of frogs.  Others, who are disnerds like me, may be wondering why the photo of Tiana and Naveen.  They are not my favorites, it's not a covert message that I thought I would share.  Instead, last night, they were a coping mechanism.

I was triggered last night at the Magic Kingdom, the one place in the world that my problems don't tend to affect me.  Part of it was because I have discovered one of my triggers in the last year.  That nursery rhyme that starts, “star light, star bright, first star I see tonight.”  It was part of our nightly prayers with my abuser, and the day I heard his voice in my ear is the day I realized why I hated that rhyme.  I hear it and immediately want to be sick.  It makes me angry, and afraid, and my reaction tends to be out of control.  Part of me thinks that being consciously aware of it should help, but I fear the anxiety that grips me every time I hear it, wondering whether I'll be okay this time or if I'll have a meltdown.

Last night, I had a meltdown.  I called my Mom in hysterics, unsure of what to do with myself as I waited for my bus home.  Now, I've said it before, but I'll say it again now.  My Mother is the best.  She talked me down, reminded me of my strength, and made me tell her all the wonderful things I had done with the rest of my day, even though I'm sure it wasn't easy to listen to me like that.  And when I got home, she told me to get some sleep, and reassured me that she loved me.

I didn't sleep though.  Instead, I grabbed the coloring book I have of Disney animals, and colored a page, blasting Carrie Underwood’s So Small in my ears until my roommates got home.  I talked with them, and continued my coloring after they went to bed.  I colored and listened to that song until all traces of him were scrubbed from my conscious thought.

Now you may be wondering why I am telling you all this.  I tell you this because I worry that I am falling into a trap that I don't like.  When I created this page, I did it because I always wanted people to know that someone out there gets it.  Because we don't always see how this may affect our favorite celebrities who have been through the same thing on a day to day basis.  And I worry that by being an activist, people may not think that I struggle with the healing process.  How outspoken you are or aren't doesn't show all the work that you’ve done.  Having a bad day doesn't mean that all the work you have done is invalid.  Healing is a process.  It's never the same for any one person, and I never want anyone to discount their healing because they think that someone else is doing better.

Today is a better day.  I made food for the week, I'm going to work, I got to know one of my roommates a little better, and I'm still in a better spot than I was a few years ago.  And I want to thank every single one of you for listening to my ramblings about a subject people don't want to talk about.  I'm thankful for you, I'm thankful for life, and I'm thankful that I'm in the spot I'm in today.

For anyone having a bad day today, you're so much stronger than the shit that life is throwing at you.  I believe in you.

Dear Olivia Benson

So, nerdygirlnotes.com is doing a Fan Mail Project. They're taking a bunch of letters fanmail to all the badass female characters that we know, and are making them into a book. I missed the deadline, but I wrote one to one of the most badass detectives I know:

To Olivia Benson,

This seemed like a weird concept to me, but as soon as I decided to do it, yours was the first name that came to mind. I haven’t watched your show for as long as others in the world have, but I have watched it long enough. Growing up, I never would have believed that a show about sex crimes would bring me such comfort. 

That was, until I told my Mom about my Step-father, and what was happening to me at night while she was at work. And how I suddenly felt like I was all alone in the world. And how, when he decided that he didn’t want to face the consequences, he took himself out of the world, instead of allowing me to feel some sense of justice. I was angry, confused, ashamed, and an all around mess while I figured myself out. And it took some time, but I’m no longer ashamed.

I contribute some of that to you. Watching SVU, and how you supported other survivors helped me to feel validated. The show helped me realize that survivors feel all sorts of emotions, and no two people react the same way. It helped me to understand that I wasn’t alone, and that these horrible crimes happen every day. But that there are scores of people willing to help out and really make a difference.

How you do everything, even toe the line of the law, to bring a character justice is somewhat therapeutic. I will never have that opportunity, but at least I can have an idea about what that is like. And I think that when a scumbag defendant gets acquitted, I am just as let down as you are.

But your show did something even more amazing for me. Your show gave me a voice. It inspired me to speak out, to spread the statistics, and to become the activist that I am today. Your character has inspired me to push through my PTSD and fight to support other survivors. Liv also taught me that some days are tough no matter what, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that I am weak, in fact, it means that I am strong. So thank you, for being flawed, and for working with them to support a cause that you love. Thank you for refusing to give up on the survivors. Thank you for always fighting for justice, even when it seemed futile. Thank you for helping me decide to fight back, instead of staying silent. It means more than I could ever put into words.

Speaking up

So, last night I had the night of a lifetime (thank you Genevieve!) at a Carrie Underwood concert.  It was absolutely amazing, I was awestruck, and I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the ground when she finished Amazing Grace at the end of Something in the Water.  Her song, So Small was instrumental during my healing process, so it's always a treat when I get to see her in person.  And my problem wasn't with her at all, but with one of her opening acts.  

While talking about musicians that had influenced him, he brought up Michael Jackson.  "I always wanted to dance like Michael Jackson.  That didn't work out so well for me.  But there is something I do better than Michael Jackson.  I'm a much better babysitter."  You could tell by listening to the crowd, the joke didn't go over that well.  But why tell it at all? 

It can be hard, when people make jokes, to be able to speak up in a respectful way.  Hell, it is hard to speak up at all.  The most I can usually choke out is a "I don't like that, please don't say that," before running off.  But people don't realize how prevalent this issue is, and they don't think that the people around them have ever dealt with it, so they make jokes.  

Me being me, I decided to speak up.  So much to Genevieve's surprise, I found this opener on Facebook, and I sent him a message.  So far it has been read but not responded to, but I thought I would post it as an example here so you might have an example of what to say when people joke.  And I'd love to hear what people think.  

"I'm almost positive that this won't get a response, but I'll hate myself if I don't put it out there at least.  I was at the Carrie Underwood show that you opened for today.  And I was enjoying your set, getting geared up, but was extremely put off by the Michael Jackson joke.  I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, and it really rubbed me the wrong way.  

I know it can seem easy to think of us as faceless people, or to think that there are only a few of us in the crowd.  But the reality is harsh.  One in four women and one in six men will be sexually abused or assaulted before they turn eighteen.  So chances are, I wasn't the only one in that audience that the joke hit in a bad way.  

And I'm sorry if this seems pushy at all.  I intern at a rape crisis center, and have pretty much focused my education into helping other survivors like me.  I feel that it's better to speak out against it, and to normalize the discussion.  The problem with joking about it though, is that every person in the audience who may have those bad thoughts in their head, can now see you as an ally.  

And I'm sorry if I brought down your night.  Please, enjoy the rest of your tour, and have safe travels. 

-Jenna"

Sometimes people are assholes...

My response to this post shared on Facebook.

Okay, anyone else notice the bible verse on the bottom of the shirt? Galatians 6:8- "The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life." (NIV)

It seems to me that what this person is saying, is that if you have sex outside of a marriage, you actually deserve the destruction that comes with a rape. That you deserve to be hurt for making a decision to be an actual human being. That's harsh.

But what if you read the whole paragraph? Galatians 6:7-10- "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life.Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (NIV)

The heading for the 6th chapter (is that what they are called??") is Doing Good to All. Yes, that says all. To me, what this is telling me, is that if I spend my money and time on things that are frivolous (binging Netflix, buying snacks, needing the latest technology, etc.) then my life will not be fulfilling. It tells me that I should instead donate my time and energy into helping the needy, because if we all helped the needy we would all have fulfilling lives. This is yet another verse that tells me I should love an help all people, regardless of what they believe, who they love, what they look like, or any other factors. This verse does not say to me that I deserve to be raped for wearing revealing clothing, or deciding what I do in my relationships.

After the fallout from dealing with my abuse, I fought long and hard to find my faith again. It took a lot of praying, and a lot of thinking, and plenty of faking until I was able to love God again. Sometimes, I worry it's not quite the same as it once was, so I begin to fight again. And this kind of thing kills me. That people take verses out of context, twist them, and make me worry that God says that I deserved to be sexually assaulted. I'm sorry, random asshole in a shirt. What did I do? What did 14-year-old me do to deserve the treatment I received?

After I made a comment online about how I felt like the bible told me to love everyone, someone told me that I was wrong, and I needed to "go back to bible study." I don't know, maybe I'm not the only person who needs to do that.