I was triggered last night at the Magic Kingdom, the one place in the world that my problems don't tend to affect me. Part of it was because I have discovered one of my triggers in the last year. That nursery rhyme that starts, “star light, star bright, first star I see tonight.” It was part of our nightly prayers with my abuser, and the day I heard his voice in my ear is the day I realized why I hated that rhyme. I hear it and immediately want to be sick. It makes me angry, and afraid, and my reaction tends to be out of control. Part of me thinks that being consciously aware of it should help, but I fear the anxiety that grips me every time I hear it, wondering whether I'll be okay this time or if I'll have a meltdown.
Last night, I had a meltdown. I called my Mom in hysterics, unsure of what to do with myself as I waited for my bus home. Now, I've said it before, but I'll say it again now. My Mother is the best. She talked me down, reminded me of my strength, and made me tell her all the wonderful things I had done with the rest of my day, even though I'm sure it wasn't easy to listen to me like that. And when I got home, she told me to get some sleep, and reassured me that she loved me.
I didn't sleep though. Instead, I grabbed the coloring book I have of Disney animals, and colored a page, blasting Carrie Underwood’s So Small in my ears until my roommates got home. I talked with them, and continued my coloring after they went to bed. I colored and listened to that song until all traces of him were scrubbed from my conscious thought.
Now you may be wondering why I am telling you all this. I tell you this because I worry that I am falling into a trap that I don't like. When I created this page, I did it because I always wanted people to know that someone out there gets it. Because we don't always see how this may affect our favorite celebrities who have been through the same thing on a day to day basis. And I worry that by being an activist, people may not think that I struggle with the healing process. How outspoken you are or aren't doesn't show all the work that you’ve done. Having a bad day doesn't mean that all the work you have done is invalid. Healing is a process. It's never the same for any one person, and I never want anyone to discount their healing because they think that someone else is doing better.
Today is a better day. I made food for the week, I'm going to work, I got to know one of my roommates a little better, and I'm still in a better spot than I was a few years ago. And I want to thank every single one of you for listening to my ramblings about a subject people don't want to talk about. I'm thankful for you, I'm thankful for life, and I'm thankful that I'm in the spot I'm in today.
For anyone having a bad day today, you're so much stronger than the shit that life is throwing at you. I believe in you.
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